I’ve been hesitant about writing about our baby making issues and plans. Okay I know it has only been 5 days since I started with this blog but it is always on my mind every day. I battle to call it infertility as in my mind infertility is a medical problem that prevents a couple from conceiving naturally within usual time-lines or from successfully carrying a baby to term.
My husband deciding to have a vasectomy at 31 and then the two of us getting married 9 years with the full intention of having a child is not “infertility”; it is “struggling-to-have-a-baby-after-permanent-sterilization” or something like that. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue so easily does it?!
Most people suffering from infertility have been through round of round of increasingly invasive and expensive treatment before reaching the IVF stage. My second gyne appointment in my entire life was my scan before I started with my first IVF cycle. While I am very grateful to have skipped over the couple of agonizing years and uncertainty about diagnosis that infertile couples go through; I think I started the IVF rollercoaster with all my newbie enthusiasm and total belief that it would work and without any idea how much this all could hurt if it failed.
Before my first IVF I thought I would be disappointed if the cycle failed because of the time lost and the wasted money but these issues were maybe 5% of what I felt when the cycles did fail. Instead the loss of the embryo’s, although only 5 days old, that I loved for the possibility of all that they could become, was a huge sadness to me and then the fear that no treatment cycle would ever work set in.
At the moment the thought of doing an IVF next year is terrifying. It is this big ugly monster waiting for me next year. I know how it goes.
Step 1: Start stims all looking good
Step 2: ER all fabulous, ET still fine.
Step 3: 5 days into 2WW, starting going mad and start crying.
Step 4: Get negative blood test, cry for a week.
Step 5: Three to four months depression.
Step 6: Go back to gym, loose weight and slowly piece self back together in time for my next IVF cycle.
Step 7: Rinse and repeat as necessary
Forgive me if I am not exactly excited about getting on the IVF rollercoaster again...
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Totally understand your fears. And it is very understanding thinking about it every single day, when all you dream about is having a baby in your arms.
ReplyDeleteYou know what scares me the most, is the count down of how many fertile years we have ahead. Add to that the financial burden.
But, your time is coming. Embrase yourself. Cause you WILL be getting you BFP soon. Just concentrate on getting your body healthy and ready for the baby/ies to come ;)
xx
Oh Honey, I can only imagine what torture it is and how you aren't exactly thrilled about heading down there again! But, you've given yourself plenty of time to get your head in the right place and I hate to one of those 'baby dust' types, but maybe this is THE one!
ReplyDeleteJust know we are here if you need anyone (besides obviously DH) to hold you hand through this, give me a shout and I'll be there in a flash!